Dear Tomorrow…

Posted on by armorupnow

By Ti Mahoney Blair

It’s today, really, but it feels like you are still tomorrow, because it’s dark outside and I have yet to go to sleep.  What day is it? And why am I still here…

Tomorrow, I used to worry about you and dread you. I regretted yesterdays and I held my breath until the todays were over.  I wished my life away.  Time stands still.  And then it whips by like a deja vu.  A memory I have had before. Who am I becoming? Now that I can’t hide anymore?

I’m on the brink of understanding that all things have led to this very moment.  It all makes perfect sense.  Shouldn’t “it” all just disappear then, and become a clean slate?  Ha. Tomorrow, you cruel, cruel prankster.  You like to watch us dance and keep us on our nervous little toes.

Tonight, I wish for peace of mind. I wish for sleep and no nightmares.  I wish to wake up refreshed, and without any knowledge of how tired I am right now.  My body hurts from head to toe. It’s a mental game.  Pain. Is it real or did I paint it on command?  Chronic Paint splatters in my heart yet I hold my canvas white and blank.

Although I have told my parents everything that has happened to me in life, I think they have selectively forgotten.  I would too, if I were a parent.  Or perhaps I am the one left holding the bag of my soiled past, feeding the monkey on my back, hanging on.  When people have shit in their past, it must be scooped out, then flushed with clean water and fresh air, then reborn as a deep open space filled with possibilities.  There is no **poof**….and tomorrow it is gone.

Trauma is hard.  Dealing with it is hard. I wish I could easily explain why yesterday matters today.  And why tomorrow I pray for it to be gone.  Today. I need an escape… How can I be here now if I don’t want to be here now?

So I will paint my face in smiles and bright, attentive eyes. I will show up for life just one more time.  I will be hopeful, cheerful and an example of what living in the moment is…until of course the moment is over and I am back in the past.  And it will be over before the next tomorrow worries me.  I don’t want anyone to wear black at my funeral. Let them wear rainbows.

I’m just so tired.  My mind has been activated.  My body is awakened.  My spirit is anxious to get down to work.  We want to dance and play and laugh and twirl and create spontaneous paintings, unconcerned about the outcome or judgement.

Just for tonight, I am glad it’s already tomorrow.  It’s like living in a crack of time that does not technically exist.

Do something beautiful for someone today.  Smile at a stranger.  Give yourself a break. Believe in magic. It happens.

Love and always Kissing, The Cockroach

Copyright © 2018 Kissing The Cockroach All Rights Reserved.

-Ti

(sounds like “Tee.”)

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Published by armorupnow

Sean Riley is the Founder and President of Safe Call Now, a confidential, comprehensive, 24-hour crisis referral service for public safety employees, all emergency services personnel and their family members nationwide. Safe Call Now was started in 2009 after legislation was passed guaranteeing confidentiality nationwide for all who call the Safe Call Now crisis line that is staffed by current and former first responders. Sean played baseball for San Diego State University and graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Public Administration. He started his law enforcement career as a San Diego County Deputy Sheriff in 1987 and later relocated to Washington State in 1990. Sean spent over 16 years with the Kirkland Police Department. His many accomplishments include being a member of the International Homicide Investigator's Association, Homicide and Sexual Assault Detective, Interview and Interrogation Specialist, D.A.R.E. Officer, Gang Officer and Certified Training Officer. Riley is also credited with solving one of the first ever elder abuse homicide cases in the nation. Sean's prominent career in law enforcement ended in 2005 when he could no longer hide his "secret" behind the badge. Sean threw away his almost 20-year stellar police career due to alcohol and drug addiction and was headed towards suicide to become just another unknown statistic. In addition to attending college for substance abuse counseling, Sean worked as a supervisor at a local treatment center where he witnessed many public safety employees coming in and out of treatment. Riley decided to do something about it. From his own experience, he knew that first responders wanted to come forward to help, but due to the stigma attached, they would not. Admitting to a substance abuse or mental health problem is perceived as a sign of weakness and could result in the termination from a noble career. By creating a safe and confidential place to reach out for help, first responders are now coming forward in droves from around the nation to better their lives, better their families and better their careers. Recognized as a dynamic national keynote speaker, Sean travels throughout the country to share his inspirational story. Coupled with cutting edge, interactive training, Riley hits those once thought of as "taboo" or "controversial" topics head-on. "Safe Call Now provides education, healthy alternatives, resources and a complete continuum of care to save lives and put families back together. Through a collaborative effort, Safe Call Now has discovered when you provide an opportunity for an individual to get their life and their family back, you get one great employee back out serving the public." - Sean Riley, Founder/President