By Ti Mahoney Blair
It’s today, really, but it feels like you are still tomorrow, because it’s dark outside and I have yet to go to sleep. What day is it? And why am I still here…
Tomorrow, I used to worry about you and dread you. I regretted yesterdays and I held my breath until the todays were over. I wished my life away. Time stands still. And then it whips by like a deja vu. A memory I have had before. Who am I becoming? Now that I can’t hide anymore?
I’m on the brink of understanding that all things have led to this very moment. It all makes perfect sense. Shouldn’t “it” all just disappear then, and become a clean slate? Ha. Tomorrow, you cruel, cruel prankster. You like to watch us dance and keep us on our nervous little toes.
Tonight, I wish for peace of mind. I wish for sleep and no nightmares. I wish to wake up refreshed, and without any knowledge of how tired I am right now. My body hurts from head to toe. It’s a mental game. Pain. Is it real or did I paint it on command? Chronic Paint splatters in my heart yet I hold my canvas white and blank.
Although I have told my parents everything that has happened to me in life, I think they have selectively forgotten. I would too, if I were a parent. Or perhaps I am the one left holding the bag of my soiled past, feeding the monkey on my back, hanging on. When people have shit in their past, it must be scooped out, then flushed with clean water and fresh air, then reborn as a deep open space filled with possibilities. There is no **poof**….and tomorrow it is gone.
Trauma is hard. Dealing with it is hard. I wish I could easily explain why yesterday matters today. And why tomorrow I pray for it to be gone. Today. I need an escape… How can I be here now if I don’t want to be here now?
So I will paint my face in smiles and bright, attentive eyes. I will show up for life just one more time. I will be hopeful, cheerful and an example of what living in the moment is…until of course the moment is over and I am back in the past. And it will be over before the next tomorrow worries me. I don’t want anyone to wear black at my funeral. Let them wear rainbows.
I’m just so tired. My mind has been activated. My body is awakened. My spirit is anxious to get down to work. We want to dance and play and laugh and twirl and create spontaneous paintings, unconcerned about the outcome or judgement.
Just for tonight, I am glad it’s already tomorrow. It’s like living in a crack of time that does not technically exist.
Do something beautiful for someone today. Smile at a stranger. Give yourself a break. Believe in magic. It happens.
Love and always Kissing, The Cockroach
Copyright © 2018 Kissing The Cockroach All Rights Reserved.
(sounds like “Tee.”)
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